Morrissey Hotel

Posted on February 3, 2010

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Hello, we are Bollard Construction Limited and we are the creators of the world’s first Morrissey Hotel, a unique complex located in the heart of Manchester, England. Opened in 2009 and costing over £117m to create, it took 2 years to complete the construction of this 5 star attraction. It is hoped that Morrissey Hotel will become known as one of the world’s best hotels, whilst at the same time providing Morrissey’s loyal fan base with an exclusive visitor attraction. This amazing hotel is a shrine to the best pop lyricist the world has ever produced and we would now like to take some time to tell Morrissey fans all about this exciting new venture.

General Information

The first thing that you will notice upon arrival is our beautifully designed reception area complete with clocks showing the time from areas as diverse as Tokyo, New York and Dagenham. The grandeur and attention to detail of the reception area is stunning, with each individual cash register being emblazoned with the famous quote It Weighs So Heavy on my Back. In the reception There is a Light That Never Goes Out.

On the left you will notice the central architectural masterpiece, our striking Do You See me when we Pass? glass lifts stood side by side. Next to them stands the public I’m Calling You From The Foyer phone box.

Finally, on the far left hand side is our I know it’s Over check out desk where departing guests can complete payment with absolute ease.

 

Rooms and Suites

All guests are encouraged to enjoy the Manchester skyline and so each and every room comes with a Throw Your Skinny Body Down Son balcony area. Other special features that adorn each and every room include gold-plated World of Morrissey globes, extra-large bath towels with embroided Some Girls are Bigger Than Others slogan and our luxury Send Me the Pillow, the One that You Dream On pillows. Additionally, special Jamie Oliver and Margaret Thatcher punch bags can be ordered free of charge from reception. Guests are encouraged to Break Their Spleen and Break Their Knees and then Really Lay Into Them!

There a large number of standard 2, 3 and 4 bed rooms available (prices vary). We also offer a range of special rooms including 20 I’m OK by Myself suites for guests staying alone, and The Break Up the Family room which is a specially designed, large room, built with families in mind.

All rooms are fitted with Don’t Make Fun of Daddy’s Voice recognition light switches and television sets, When I Fell on the Floor I Drank More mini bars and phones with pre-set Dial-a-Cliché buttons.

Room service is available for all guests in the hotel. There is a special More Breakfast in Bed and Bring the Paper in Later room service option.

Food

The Meat is Murder restaurant and the Savour the Flavour Brassiere are the two favourite food outlets in the Morrissey Hotel. The restaurant offers award-winning Irish Blood, English Heart black pudding, Black Cloud Forest gateaux and of course, good old British Tea With the Taste of the Thames. The brassiere offers an already world-famous dish. Our special The World is full of Crashing (wild) Bore Sausages have been lauded by guests from all over the globe. Look out for our Everyday is Like Sunday special and the I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish all-you-can-eat buffet.

 

Evening Entertainment

Evening times are awash with entertainment at Morrissey Hotel. Highlights include the weekly Friday night National Front Disco and Why Don’t You Find Out For Yourself? Quiz. There is also a bi-weekly You’re the One For Me Fatty speed dating night. 3 nights per week we offer the Sing Your Life karaoke evening. Most events take place in the spacious With My Head on the Bar bar located on the top floor. This includes a special ‘Lads Only’ room called Me and the Boys in my Gang. We also regularly include our highly acclaimed That joke isn’t funny Anymore comedian and we have also been known to put on Military Two Step ball room dancing classes. Also, look out for our Do Your Best and Don’t Worry casino, located on the 5th floor.

For parents wishing to venture out during the evening, why not use our When Motherless Birds Fly High child minding service, a great way to relax and have the peace of mind that your little cherub is being safely looked after.

Leisure

There is a wide-range of leisure activities available for use. A full list will be available upon arrival. Highlights include the wonderful To Me You are a Work of Art gallery, located in the basement area. This modern gallery includes a collection of Morrissey portraits that have been painted and photographed by fans. Guests with a passion for art may want to attend the Wednesday afternoon Paint A Vulgar Picture erotic art classes.

We have an Olympic sized Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning swimming pool, with an additional Well I Wonder jacuzzi for guests wishing to chill out and relax.  Also, why not spend time in our The Sun Burns Through to the Planets Core but it isn’t Enough They Want More sauna. Our vast Lazy Sunbathers sun lounge spot is a great way to soak up the Manchester sun.

For our male guests who just want to get away from it all there is a fantastic Household Provider driving range. For the ladies we have a bespoke fashion boutique stocking Frankly Vulgar Red Pullovers reluctantly designed by Christian Dior.

Younger Guests

We cater for younger guests just as well as our adult visitors. We have a huge Little Man, What Now? play area where children can ride on Tony The Pony. For guests with very young children, we offer state of the art Suffer Little Children baby changing facilities right throughout the complex. And if you are staying with us in December, children can also visit our Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want grotto.

Extra Services

We also offer a range of additional services that can be procured during your stay at the hotel. We have the Something is Squeezing My Skull head massaging service located on the ground floor. We also operate an extremely popular You’re Gonna Need Someone on Your Side escort service, available 24 hours a day. We even offer the Evil Legal Eagles solicitor service, just in case guest’s become involved in legal difficulties during their stay. There are over 50 You Know I Couldn’t Last condom machines located throughout the complex.

There are male and female hairdressers available on site. The men can make use of our Don’t Meddle With a Masterpiece barbers whilst the women can enjoy our Hairdresser on Fire salon. Female guests may want to take advantage of the What Difference Does It Make make-over service.

For those guests with religious inclinations, why not take a moments prayer time in our Temple of David prayer room. And finally, we also cater for marriage ceremonies in our I Will Never Marry civil ceremony room, where our resident Vicar In a Tutu will read our special in-house vows, which includes the poignant phrase You Marry Because it’s Expected of You.

Concierge

There is constant 24 hour per day access to a member of concierge staff. These staff member all wear a yellow Ask Me badge in order to distinguish them from other hotel staff members.

In case of a fire, or indeed any other type of security threat, our reliable Bigmouth Strikes Again alarm will sound in order to alert all guests that there is immediate danger. If the alarm does sound, guests should congregate in the Just Another False Alarm meeting point.

Cars

There is a vast multi storey car-park which all guests can use. There are special parking spaces made available for Jenson Interceptors and Citroen Vans. There is a Rank outside where Taxi Drivers Never Stop Talking for guests wishing to venture outside the hotel.

Toilets

The reception area is fitted with a huge toilet facility for use by all guests. We have dispensed with traditional ‘Male’ and ‘Female’ toilets and instead we offer Good Looking Man About Town and Wonderful Woman toilets. All toilets contain beautifully crafted The Sun Shines out of Our Behinds porcelain toilet seats. In the Good Looking Man About Town toilets, there is a spectacular He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands marble urinal. We also only use the luxurious I’ve Had My Face Dragged in 15 miles of Shit toilet paper.  Inside you will also find There are Explosive Kegs between My Legs condom machines.

Disabled Facilities

We have invested heavily in the specially designed November Spawned a Monster disabled facilities within the hotel, creating world-class, state of the art facilities for disabled guests.

Smoking

Smoking is permitted everywhere in the hotel. However, for those guests still wishing to pursue a more sociable smoking experience there is our specially designed Give Me a Cigarette communal smoking area complete with our special Smoke Lingers Round Your Fingers wall placard.   

Complaints Procedure

Morrissey Hotel takes customer satisfaction very seriously. Should you, for any, reason wish to complain about any aspect of the service we provide, you can complete one of our Sorry Doesn’t Help Us complaint forms, available at reception.

Taking Bookings Now!

Call to see if there is a Vacancy for a Back Scrubber.

words by Rob Pollard

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Posted in: Music