written by Robert Pollard
‘I’m no clown’ cries Ian Brown……whilst dressed like a teenager and singing way out of key
Last night, in a field full of 75,000 overweight forty-somethings hellbent on reliving their youth, The Stone Roses played their ‘comeback’ gig; a gig which confirmed their status as the most overrated band on the planet.
I got myself a last-minute ticket for a tenner in order to confirm my suspicions that it would be shite. And it was. I would write to Ian Brown asking for my money back but he’s a money-grubbing little fucker. The cheek of him charging fans 60 quid for this crock of shit takes some beating in terms of downright chutzpah. The sound was shocking and Ian still cannot sing. Oh, and the band look like exactly what they are – old men trying desperately to roll back the years.
It was the first time in a generation that the original line-up had taken to a stage together but unfortunately it wont be the last, with the myth that The Roses are a collection of musical geniuses still being widely accepted. Twitter was full of praise for the band in the aftermath of last night’s gig.
Fellow ‘Madchester legend’ Rowetta proclaimed:
What an amazing night. Will never forget it. So proud to be from Manchester. The Stone Roses are better than ever. Believe the hype!!!!
Liam ‘Super Manc’ Waite almost shat himself with excitement and wrote:
The Stone Roses were amazing, 70,000 people for one band, only Liam Gallagher supporting could have made it any better.
Matt Morgan was more succinct, claiming:
The Stone Roses smashed it last night!
And Ben Reddiough’s dreams came true (bless him), emotionally confessing to the world:
Living the dream tonight when seeing this is the one played live at Heaton Park by the Stone Roses, dream come true
They must have all been pissed off the £4 bottles of beer. The Stone Roses are as shit now as they were 22 years ago.
Quite how a band with one decent album, a reputation for being crap live and one of the most tuneless, moronic singers in history can be quite so revered is beyond me. Ian sang so off-key it was frightening. The guy is a fraud of the highest order. It’s not even like he makes up for that by being a great guy who writes interesting lyrics. No. He’s a boorish clown with an over-inflated ego who drones on about nothing, playing the role of charismatic, macho frontman with all the believability of a Conservative Party manifesto. He even attempted a rap at one stage, providing the most uncomfortable moment of an uncomfortable night. He sounded less Wu-Tang and more Robbie Williams. The other three should have walked off at that point but they clearly have no dignity left.
I was a fan once. It was a phase; a period in which I was figuring music out. They helped me a lot and I got hours of enjoyment out of them. But eventually, the haze of the period ascended and I was free to move on and explore music with more artistic merit. What gets me is the zeal with which so many people still get aroused over them. The idiots inside Heaton Park last night would have you believe they are the best band ever. They’ve been saying it for two decades and the sad twats will be saying it on their death beds. I eventually realised that they weren’t that good at all and stopped listening. I recently dusted down their debut album and gave it another go. I wont be playing it again. Their so-called ‘great’ songs aren’t that great at all. Even the most hardened fan struggles to defend their second album, full of dodgy singing and self-indulgent Hendrix rip-off guitar lines. Then they disbanded. Not exactly the career of a great band in my opinion.
The cringe-worthy between-song ramblings from Ian offer an insight into his fragile confidence. ‘We’ve still got ant we?’ he asked the audience, who were so drunk on their own manufactured happiness that they cheered back at him. ‘Don’t cheer him!’, I thought to myself, ‘it only encourages him’. But cheer him they did. Every blasted wayward note was met with sheer sycophantic excitement. It was enough to make you sick.
It wasn’t all tuneless crap to be fair. John Squire provided flashes of typically brilliant guitar work and I loved the tone he went for. It had a crisp, retro feel that was big enough for a venue of such overblown stature. Reni was his usual self, providing solid grooves with flashes of flair. And it was nice to be reminded of how good Mani’s bass lines in Fools Gold and Made of Stone are. But this was nowhere near enough to save the day or make me believe they are a great band. They have some good elements but writing exceptional songs and performing them well seems beyond them. It is time for this bunch of old boys to take a vow of silence and start drawing their state pensions.
The people I most feel sorry for are the people of Prestwich who had this shower of shite thrust upon them with little opportunity to reject it. The sight of ugly, drunken super-Mancs doing monkey walks dressed in fishing hats is not something anyone should see, let alone on such a grand scale.
Originally, we were told by Ian that last night’s Heaton Park gig would be the ‘start’ of the Roses’ comeback tour; that because Manchester had given the band so much back in the early days it deserved to be the starting point for the rebirth. Fans, delirious with excitement, parted with 60 quid of their hard-earned money for the thrill of being part of the first Stone Roses gig in 16 years – but Ian lied. They have played Spain, Holland, Germany, Denmark, France, Sweden and Warrington Parr Hall before turning up at Heaton Park. There were people there last night who had paid £150 for a black-market ticket plus travel and accommodation for nothing more than a poor nostalgia trip from a grossly overrated band. I wanted my tenner back and left before the end.
And with two nights of this dross still to come, the excitement on Twitter continues. Kurtis Starkie, who is unfortunate enough to have tickets for the Beady Eye supported Saturday gig, rather embarrassingly told us all:
I’m getting a little bit excited about The Stone Roses tonight….I may have to change my underwear!
Yeah, that’s right. Grown men are pissing themselves at the prospect of seeing Ian Brown belt out tunes that were shit 20 years ago. Words fail me.
As you can see from the video below, Ian really should consider pulling his pants up and behaving like an adult. Due to the idiots in the crowd, it’s difficult to hear just how bad his vocal was, so you’ll have to take my word for it.
Passions Just Like Mine 
Urban the swede
June 30, 2012
Hahaha I wasn’t there but can see from footage you are right.
Anonymous
June 30, 2012
Interesting perspective. Good work.
Chris b
July 1, 2012
But he could never sing and we all know that . Still a quality gig!
Observation
July 2, 2012
Quality gig? The Stone Roses were good despite what this article says, a bands debut album doesn’t get nominated for The best debut album ever if they were as bad as you sayI’m a massive Roses fan and squires one of a few guitarists who by watching made me pick up a guitar. The crowd ruined it big time. Drunken bafoons everywhere. The Roses them selves were great but what with all the “I was there” crews in the crowd who paid to hear the Roses but sang every line back at them spoiled the sound and tbh it sounded better by the exits. If anyone doubts how good the Roses are then ask Roger Daltrey. Pete Townsend what their opinion on the Roses is, The Who do NOT just ask any old band to jam on stage and big them up. The Whole thing was spoiled by drunks, over priced drinks. To go to a future Roses gig(which should be indoors and a smallish venue) every one who turns up should have their beer swapped for MDMA at the door compulsory, No not saying u need drugs but how is it u never hear of any Raves going off with violence or middle aged women throwing bottles of piss into the crowd like heaton park, alcohol is the worst drug in our society with the exception of smack and crack of course. The Crowd ruined for me the chance to enjoy them play was stolen by piss heads!!!
Erin
July 1, 2012
Ugh I never understood what people saw in them! I liked them for 5 minutes in my teens but then the ecstasy wore off…
Punkrawkerin
July 1, 2012
Ugh I liked them for 5 Minutes in my teens but then the ecstasy wore off…
Peter Knight
July 1, 2012
The Stone Roses are the second most over-rated band in history after The Beatles. The worst kind of Dad Rock with no redeeming features at all. I hated them then, I hate them now and I shall hate them tomorrow.
Urban the swede
July 1, 2012
Funk is kind of nerdy anyway and can white men really make a good job of that type of vibes?
I doubt it very much.
Ben
July 2, 2012
I’m not sure if we were at the same gig!!!! I WAS there and can say, hand on heart they were better than ever…
You just sound like a bitter old man… Is there anyone that you haven’t tried to insult with this post… And just for future reference, the occasional splattering of “big” words does not always make things sound intelligent…
If you polish a turd it’s still just a turd
Rideonmonkeyimyourlady
July 2, 2012
Life long Roses fan, absolutely gutted to not get a ticket at the time, but if I’m being perfectly honest, it pains me to say it, but this makes me feel slightly better about missing out. I always new brown was far from a great vocalist, but when they were at their peak, They would talk about Browns Hushed vocals that suited the undoubtedly beautiful songs of the time better. His voice ain’t what it used to be. Having said that the rest of the lads still seem decent…. plus, if they do announce more dates I will get tickets, making everything I’ve said pretty much redundant…. Ah well. They’ve been too big a part of my life to miss the opportunity. Any fans who think they are doing this for anything other than their bank balances are slightly deluded to be fair. I’ve seen Brown Solo, Mani with the Primals and Squire at T. I’m not just some c**t slagging them for the sake of it. Plus, I reckon if they do record a third album it could be really good, especially with all 4 of them getting input, unlike the Squire-fest that was Second Coming… which I f****ing love better than the first btw…. Love spreads and ten storey they plated at the gig I believe. Should’ve added Begging you, not sure if they done tightrope? If they do a third album, and I’m sure it’s been suggested before they need to go down the funky electronic route… Fools gold begging you… Just mix it up a little. Peace out.
not a liar
July 2, 2012
You’re full of shit, dude. The event of the decade only two years in. You did NOT get a ticket for a tenner.
Rob
July 2, 2012
Why on earth would I, or indeed anyone, lie about how much they paid for tickets? I try and avoid replying to negative comments but when I’m being called a liar I have to. At 6pm on the Friday I was offered 2 tickets for 60 quid, which was too much for me and I declined. I said to that person, who had come by VIP passes for the Saturday and therefore had 2 Friday tickets he didn’t want, that I would give him 20 for the pair. 2 hours later, when it was clear mine was the only offer on the table, I received a call to say he may as well take my bid in order to avoid them going to waste. Now, I know that hurts because you were mugged off for far more of your cash but life’s not fair is it? Now jog on and listen to Ian Brown’s greatest hits.
Baloo
July 2, 2012
Ian Brown’s surname is nearly ‘Brownies’. That’s quite a cool name.
Martin
July 2, 2012
Totally agree. Truthful review. We left 4 songs in. We had a spare ticket. Noticed it discarded on the bedside table at the hotel the next morning. Went to waste. Shit sound, vile crowd, bad organisation. Paint by numbers gig with no recognition from Ian Brown of the supposed iconic and historic nature of the event. Thank Christ for Richard Ashcroft at the Hop Farm. Saved the weekend!
Doctor HRH
July 2, 2012
I must admit, I have to agree with Robert Pollard (the writer of this review) that the gig was disappointing but I also agree with Ben that it’s easy to get carried away and think you’re a literary genius when actually you’ve got a slightly-above-average command of the English language. An example is the word ‘nauseous’ – it should be ‘nauseated’. That’s just a pedantic aside though I suppose.
The Stone Roses’ music played a large part in defining my mid-teens. In my eyes they’ve made some of the greatest recordings in musical history. I had extremely high hopes for this gig but knew in the back of my mind that it would’ve been unreaIistic to expect Brown’s vocals to be anything better than terrible. I did, however, expect the band to have at least engaged in some way with audience at some point. Sadly they didn’t.
I went on Saturday, the second night, and frankly it was a disgrace. The bar situation was farcical – people queueing for a £4 bottle of Fosters for longer than it would take to get on a Disney World ride at the height of peak-season. I’d had a tip-off about that earlier in the day so I just chose not to bother boozing. Shame, as I’d have liked a beer or two. Still, I saved a fair few quid I suppose. Alcohol aside, as I said at the start, the concert was bitterly disappointing. Ian Brown hardly said a word to the crowd and the other band members just looked bored. They didn’t even look at each other and there certainly was no banter whatsoever. It seemed to me that they would rather have been anywhere else than Heaton Park and that they were only doing the gig to make LOTS of cash.
I heard they’d sold 220,000 tickets. So at £60 each, that makes £13.2 million. Even if the band members only make 25% of that and if it’s split equally between them, they will each take home £825,000 for three days’ work. I imagine it will be a bit more than that.
For that I would’ve expected a smile and a thank you from them!
Rob
July 2, 2012
Edited that word – thank you. i certainly don’t see myself as a literary genius, just someone with an opinion who likes to get it down!
Stephen Davies
July 2, 2012
I wish I was as cool as you… wow, you must be so proud. I am totally lame and actually enjoyed it. Sorry.
You pretentious twat. If you didn’t like them why go and see them?
Rob
July 2, 2012
i didn’t realise fans of such a boorish thug could be so sensitive. Apologies if my opinion doesn’t match yours.
stiggy_78
July 2, 2012
I realise this will no doubt be responded to with a witty put-down, labelling me as a boorish thug, but I feel compelled to respond anyway.
I would echo one of the previous comments initially – why did you go and see them ? You’ve clearly got an issue with the band and their fanbase. I’m assuming you’re not being paid for your review (I certaintly hope not, anyway) ? You make a huge deal about getting a ten pound ticket, is that a further attempt to look down your nose at those who shelled out full-price for a ticket ? Tickets went on sale, demand was huge – that was the going rate. You appear to have got lucky (or not, according to your review) and obtained cheap tickets. Good for you. What has that got to do with your review though ?
I won’t bother trying to discuss the actual music with you (although from my rough calculations you’d be lucky if even 50% of your review discussed the actual music at the gig. Heaven forbid this should be a point of discussion when there’s bigger fish to fry), as obviously such things are subjective. I thought the music was excellent, you didn’t. Fair enough.
Your review in general seems to be an attack on the ‘working classes’ and people that you consider to be beneath you. Let’s look at some of your terms :
“75,000 overweight forty-somethings hellbent on reliving their youth”
“The idiots inside Heaton Park last night would have you believe they are the best band ever”
“sad twats”
“so drunk on their own manufactured happiness that they cheered back at him.”
“The sight of ugly, drunken super-Mancs doing monkey walks dressed in fishing hats is not something anyone should see”
“Due to the idiots in the crowd”
Such comments only serve to give your ‘review’ the air of an Upper/Middle Class schoolboy thumbing his nose at those below him. Actually quite embarrassing reading.
Overall, a gig review that only briefly discusses the music and spends most of the time firing jibes at the audience. If you don’t rate the actual music that’s fine – that’s the whole point of music ‘journalism’. A review of sneering at the ‘boorish’ underclasses however, is an absolute disgrace.
I look forward to your witty retort, as I was in attendance and according to your review must be a knuckle-dragging imbecile, so I have no hope of responding in an intelligent manner.
Stephen Davies
July 3, 2012
Thank you to stiggy_78 for expressing my views better than I could! I entirely agree: if you don’t like the music, that’s great… but why bother going if you despise them and their fanbase so much? For me it was simply a reminder of the more easygoing, stress-free days of my youth, and I don’t have to explain to you why I like their music, as that is subjective. I am a classically-trained musician, so frankly I think I can have an opinion on “pop music”, and I really shouldn’t let your sneery views of someone I happen to quite like upset me, but anyway here’s my two-pennorth… the vocals were never going to be brilliant, but the musicianship (is that a word, maybe you know Rob.. seeing as you so literary and all that) was very good. I am neither working class nor middle class, I don’t really think about such things, but I do know what stiggy means… you give an air of superiority that I doubt you can back up in person. Now you will probably pick on me for saying I am a classically-trained musician and that that proves I am also giving an air of superiority…. I am pre-emptively sighing. What DO you like? What is cool enough for you? Are you in fact 14? Am I allowed to be in your gang because I have shown you I am not afraid of you? I genuinely feel like I am back at school! : )
Cornelius Townedge
July 3, 2012
You Sir ; are a pretentious, condescending twat. ‘ Oh no, the oiks are marching through the suburbs….’ You bought a ticket for a tenner to confirm it was shit ??? How tewwibly objective of you…
Elusive Doo
July 3, 2012
Cornelius…..Or he bought a ticket and expecting an unsatisfactory concert experience he received one…..for the sum of a tenner. He then wrote about it. As he says in his piece he was a fan but is no longer one, fair enough. If the other concert goers were in Ascot top hat and tails sipping Pimms I’m sure the writer would have detailed that…but they weren’t. By all accounts they were as sartorially challenged as I am today in my faded Megadeth ‘t’ \oo/
Connor Devine
July 3, 2012
I don’t think any of the quotes that Stiggy_78 gave suggest any sort of condescention to the working classes (just to people who exhibit that sort of behaviour), also you don’t know anything about the background of the author of this blog so I’d stick to what you can be certain of rather than making presumptions.
Also a gig review isn’t the same as a music review; it’s a review of the entire experience, of which the actual music is only one part, so I think those criticisms are also invalid.
I didn’t attend the gig but I must admit I find the description of the Stone Roses reunion gig as “Manchester’s Woodstock”, which has been thrown around some quarters, rather depressing for what I hope are obvious reasons.
I don’t resent people going to a concert and having a good time but I do resent having the occasion foisted on me as the biggest musical event of the decade. “Not A Liar”, if this really is the event of the decade we might aswell give up now. Think about it. A twenty year old band playing twenty year old songs is the defining musical event of the 2010’s? Isn’t that a damning indictment of our own expectations of British music?
I’m glad people went to that gig and I’m glad they enjoyed it but please, for the sake of music, don’t tell me it was something special. It wasn’t. It was an old band playing old songs for an extortionate price. It is symptomatic of an era that sees our cinemas bomarded with belated sequels and lazy remakes and our radios awash with reformed, rehashed bands that ceased to be relevant a long time ago. It is symptomatic of a world where we are enamoured with our past because we think we have no future and where the potential for a quick penny takes precedence over originality and creativity.
Also Ian Brown is a nobhead.
Stephen Davies
July 4, 2012
Connor, I understand what you are saying and I kind of agree. All I would add is the following comment, which is my subjective opinion and therefore just me saying stuff not saying “you should think this” : ) Goodmusic is good music. Not all popular music (how I hate that phrase) is throwaway bubblegum pop: I happen to think the Roses ISN’T, I am very aware that some people think it IS. Therefore, it’s logical, especially in these uncertain times, that people in their late 30s, early 40s and beyond will want to relive their youth a bit by listening to stuff that made them feel good when they didn’t have kids, mortgages and for the most part dull jobs. I can see only too clearly the irony that when we were young we thought of this (and all the other indie-dancey stuff) as cutting-edge and different and all the old stuff that old people listened to was pointless and etc. etc. etc. : ) And now we are those people! In my defence, and hopefully others, I like The Who and lots of other even more ancient bands and would happily go and see them too.. .I also like lots of new stuff and go to a lot of gigs by new bands too. Where I do probably show my age, and my class and my background is that most “urban”, (can’t even bear to accept it’s a real term), R n B (the new type not the old type) and rap strikes me as soulless, manufactured, jaded, cynical and mysogynsistic. Far more cynical and calculated than some middle-aged fellas making some other middle-aged people feel a bit wistful and dreamy for a bit.But hey, I like Motown and that’s probably the most manufactured music ever: makes Stock, Aitken and Waterman look like, oh I don’t know, Arcade Fire. The cooler kids among you can now tut and mentally insert “Liquid Badger Monkey” or whatever you’ve convinced yourself is like way beyond cool. All that is just my opinion and feel free to tell me I am a retard. : )
And yes, Ian Brown IS a nobhead. Absolutely. But, crucially, having read this review, I also feel that Robert Pollard comes across as a nobhead. I am sure he is a polite, nice modern gentleman and kind to animals and his nan, but it just reads like someone trying too hard for my tastes. Maybe my writing is shit as well, but crucially I don’t write articles on the internet… just comment on other people’s. : )
Rob
July 4, 2012
What started as a tongue-in-cheek piece of purposefully humorous writing has deeply offended many, which, in truth, I never thought would happen. I am considering writing a follow up article that contains less vitriol and more balance, would you mind if I emailed some of you the link to this when it’s done? The main point I want to make in that piece is that ordinary people getting the opportunity to leave the stresses and strains of life behind for a few hours at a gig is EXACTLY what a music event is for and The Stone Roses achieved that over the weekend. They brought people together and gave them a good time. Not enough was made of that in my article and it’s genuinely how I feel.
I don’t rate the band anymore and it staggers me how so many still claim they are the best band ever. The fact is they seem to be able to get away with anything; whether that be awful vocals or lies about Manchester being the start of their tour. People follow this band blindly. With the exception of an article in the Independent, all reviews have been gushing, and I wanted to throw something into the mix which represented how I feel. many agree; many don’t.
Stiggy bringing class into this is absurd. Not once is class mentioned, either directly or insidiously, and I resent the accusation. I think it’s fine to call me a nobhead after I charcterised Stone Roses fans in a less than positive way but to suggest i was mocking the working classes is outrageous. I spend many hours writing and campaigning for the rights of the poor and so I felt I needed to make that point.
With regards to me making a big deal about only paying a tenner, I’ve read the piece again and I’m not sure I do. It’s mentioned as part of the story of my evening, not used to rub others’ noses in it.
the question I have been asked the most, on here and on Twitter, is why did you go if you hate them so much? My gut reaction to that is ‘what does it matter, I can do what I want’ but I have thought about it and my answer is this. That band were a huge part of my life when i was young. I have listened to their music so much it blows my mind (my Blackpool gig DVD has near melted due to overuse) but I eventually realised they were not all they’re cracked up to be. I think I resent how much time I spent listening (my fault, of course) and I think it reminds me of a period when I was less in tune with with who I am. Freud would have a field day analysing it – I’m not qualified to, so I’ll leave it that.
In sum, the piece was intended to be a laugh, and I certainly wasn’t trying too hard to be cool. Next time, don’t be so bloody sensitive.
Stephen Davies
July 4, 2012
: ) That is a genuinely thoughtful and well-considered reply. I now definitely think you are a nice gentleman. Maybe some of us (me definitely) were over-sensitive…I am certainly glad I added “comes across as a..” in front of “nobhead”. Would love the link, and will definitely read what you write with interest now… you’ve got me! Hey, at least you created a debate, and it WAS fun. I enjoyed it anyway. : )
Doctor HRH
July 6, 2012
Nice follow-up Rob. I’d love to read another review but honestly don’t think you need to after that. People don’t half love getting angry and giving their opinions eh? Good stuff.
jon
July 6, 2012
Jeez….you sound a little bitter. You claim to be a fan once, but I find that impossible to believe.
My guess is you were poncing about to Guns n Roses when all the cool kids were appreciating one of the best albums ever recorded, and its left you feeling inadequate ever since. You clearly have a very bad taste in music
Satellite
July 8, 2012
At last, someone has recognised that Rob’s review was intended to be humorous! I personally almost cried with laugher when I read it, particularly the monkey walking, fishing hat reference. I was so sick of reading my facebook friends comments about how fantastically brilliant they were and how cool they were to be there. People were taking the whole thing far too seriously.
As a mancunian forty-something myself, I spent my early twenties in that era and I don’t remember the Stone Roses standing out from any of their other rivals. I don’t think I appreciated at the time how good the music in that era, but that could be down to nostalgic thoughts creeping in. When you get to my age there is a very strong will to re-assess your life and sometimes want to relive your youth. Luckily, most of us try to keep a check on these thoughts and stop ourselves looking and acting like idiots then get back to our responsibilities of jobs and families so I’m really glad that I didn’t go. Not that I don’t go to concerts, I do, but not to try and relive the past.
I really don’t get how class came into this at all, I think the people that brought it up must have issues with it themselves.
Bert
June 3, 2013
This is hilarious, particularly because Mr Pollard is a fanboy for Morrissey, the man who has become a millionaire on the back of showering easily pleased fans with tuneless dreck. I mean, the man is responsible for such remarkable, epoch-making poetry as “Dagenham Dave, Dagenham Dave, oh Dagenham Dave” and “Roy’s keen, Roy’s keen, there’s no keener window cleaner”. Jog on, mate 😛
Rob
June 16, 2013
Well done, you regurgitated some of Morrissey’s most trite lines and used them as an example of why my Roses opinions are ‘hilarious’. Dead clever that.
jamie
August 10, 2013
You sound pathetic, yeah they only released two albums yet people still care about them. If they were so bad why would they have so many fans. You fucking imbecile!
Rob
September 25, 2013
Madonna has loads of fans – she’s crap.
Try again, smartarse.